2 years ago (Sat, Jan 22nd, 2011)
In about 4 months I have realized:
That I am a hearty fool. That his grace covers my….numerous short comings.That I hate the
cold, HATE the cold. That I can’t fast when I’m lonely…I can’t pray when I’m pre-occupied,I can be more lonely in a crowd then alone(weird I know). I don’t count cost very well, and I am sorely dependent on electronics. (and they like to get submerged in water lately)
I wish this season wasn’t a rudder to steer the whole rest of my life…but I realize that it is.I wish I had been home sick before in my life so this was easier to take. God has been showing himself quite often to me since I left…But I don’t feel I’m in an acquitted receiving mood. I have seen healings, felt Jesus walk into a room, had a vision and had countless dreams, But all the while my mind feels distant, my heart feels estrange, over the last 2 weeks I have found it harder and harder to focus on anything, and though I can put on a happy face I have a ache in my heart to see Tallahassee grab the vision of what is going on in Kansas City.
I feel that I could not go back if I could not equip people to carry the fire that is up here, or even receive it in full myself. But I am so jealous for Florida to stop playing games and to grow up! Going through the same old cycles over and over again like it will change something. The church has so little biblical foundation in it’s structure that it is rightfully on the verge of collapse.The houses of prayer struggle because no one wants to die to themselves, commit time and effort into something that will gain them no earthy wealth.
There are Christians who know all ABOUT God/Jesus/Holy spirit, But have never truly met him. Like reading about a great president, knowing his birthday, his wife’s name, all his speeches…but never taking to him, never dinning with him, never listening to him, person to person heart to heart.
There are countless American’s going the to eternal suffering cause we want it easier.We want more money, more people, more programs.Our TV shows and games and computers dull us to sleep and isolation until we are too old to know any different and the only ministry we know is passive and with true zeal.
And in the same moment, I sit 300 or so feet away from an company of people that are not paid to take the hardest roads, to raise their own money, to teach at a higher level withstand from offering messages and how to make your life better, and teach Christ crucified.
That close…and sit on a computer….I watch TV….I play games….I judge others….I read the book of James over and over and defy it at every turn.
I have seen the glory of a people who love Jesus enough to take him at his word, and I don’t want to go back.Yet I am too weak, too poor (lack of money) and I fear, too faithless to see the miracles.
Why was I made for this time? Why did I have to leave the city I love just as doors opened on every side? Am I really a Jonah? why did God bring such a glorious group of teachers, musicians and pearchers to a city in the middle of the country….why did I have to come to it.
Other take a lifetime of family funds to get here, have radical transformation stories, sell everything they have, come here and are content. I feel like I got here, and I have peace, and I have growth, but no contentment and just feel even more lowly then before.
This is all a season, But I want to take it into my own hands and end it here,Move back home. Do all of this long distance. But respect is not shown to the man who never leaves home. “Truly I say to you, no prophet is welcome in his hometown.”
I’m no prophet, But I understand this fully now.
Who did I ever think I was?